• by George Simpson , Featured Contributor, June 20, 2019

In what I presumed was a totally tongue-in-cheek report from one of its many Summits, MediaPost outlined a conversation between tech execs in which they — at one time or another — uttered ERP or CDP or CRM or CRO or CMS or DAM or ESP. Besides the headline, it was something of a verbatim summary of their remarks from the stage. 

The world of digital ad tech is a sea of acronyms (DSP, SSP, ROI, CPC, CTA, KPI, ad nauseam) and I find a certain arrogance in those who toss them around with impunity. To me, they are either showing off or trying to compensate for feeling inadequate. 

Not that the entire industry doesn’t already feel inadequate, as every day dawns with some new acronym that has to be memorized and slipped into conversations so that you can sound like an “insider” and transfer the feelings of inadequacy to the listener.

There are literally hundreds of tech-related acronyms. Let’s launch a few new ones so we can be on the cutting edge of confusion:

WEITHTM — Each time you see an unfamiliar acronym in an email or a directive from your superior, you can insert Whatever in the Hell That Means just after it in your reply. Consider it notice served.

HYLYFM? — If you get an email or deck or directive with more than three tech acronyms in the same document. you get to ask Have You Lost Your F**king Mind? This is also a solid response to unreasonable sales goals (or RKOs, for those enslaved by au courant management by objectives) or invitations to any type of conference call.

IH² A^{2 —} This vital response was probably started in a barroom text between besieged women, but can easily be adapted whenever the boss comes into the company kitchen and starts acting like you are one of his long-lost children. Simply lob Ignore Him, He Is An Ass into a text to the subject of his attention. They will appreciate it.

IHDGAS — This quite easily could become your favorite and most often-used acronym, since it works for nearly every situation you might encounter in a typical workday (or in a phone call with your parents). These handy initials that signal, I Honestly Don’t Give A Shit might even find their way onto high-fashion T-shirts, one of which Melania could wear each time she has to go on the campaign trail with That Idiot.

CYSTIAB — Whenever you get an invitation to edit a Google doc or review something stupid that someone sends you because they need affirmation, simply reply: Can’t You See That I Am Busy? It has the added subliminal suggestion that the sender is probably not very busy. Bonus.

HFSCYG — This acronym is often used in response to communications sent by human resources to remind you about company policies that were designed to assure no one in the workplace feels “unsafe” or “undervalued.” But it can be applied to nearly every companywide memo: How F**king Stupid Can You Get?

*IRIISCSIMBT — in this new world of fake news and highly partisan viewpoints, it can be really hard to decide what is important to remember and what can be dismissed as the white noise of life. Always attach this acronym to anything you send to your friends and colleagues: I Read It In Simpson’s Column, So It Must Be True.