My Even Newer, More Up Front

I finally took pity on those who moaned that "between the Upfronts and the NewFronts there are just not enough presentations, free drinks and breathless marketing announcements.” So I’m planning the launch of the "George H. Simpson Even Newer, More Up Front."

It was hard to come up with the "next urbanely cool venue" since most of them were scooped up months ago by the networks and the video companies, so I'm thinking the hill overlooking the skating rink in Central Park. Unless I am mistaken, the rink is operated by a company owned by, well, the next President of the United States, so it will be a huge, really great setting.

I know that nobody will show up just because I am speaking and showing some video highlights, so I looked into a band — you know, like Twenty One Pilots or The Chainsmokers — but I really couldn't afford them, so I got this kid from Juilliard who has been playing the cello in the subway tunnel that runs under the Public Library. He said he'd do it for dinner at Olive Garden.



I figured that by now everyone was suffering from cirrhosis thanks to all of the prior open bars. So I did something really hip. I mixed up a batch of purple Kool-Aid and tossed in some grain alcohol. I’ll invite everyone into the "People's Temple" to "have a Jim Jones." Talk about drinking the Kool-Aid, right?

Here is my video lineup. (I am trusting you not to steal my ideas for your 287th-ranked cable channel.)

Reality Show "The Other Simpsons": Man who primarily watches TV in the bedroom argues with woman who primarily watches in the kitchen about which recorded episodes of “Nashville” the other has or has not yet seen. Humorous give and take like: "Was that the one where Maddie runs away from home or the one where Gunner finally kisses Scarlett?" "What? Maddie runs away from home!!? I haven't watched that one yet -- thanks for nothing!"

Bonus Marketing Shiny Thing:
when the couple FINALLY decides to watch an old “Blacklist” instead, we can sub out all of the original commercials and run yours instead. Yes, they will be on a tiny screen in the background, but at least they will run in real time! Tell C7 to kiss your ass!

Scripted Drama "Kawajascape" Follows the adventures of a mild-mannered investment banker who kills time between buying and selling companies by creating charts of companies he'd like to buy and sell, which infuriates those he leaves off. Watch as start-ups whine about their rightful place on the charts and as otherwise hard-charging CEOs plead like schoolgirls to be moved to another box.

Bonus Marketing Shiny Thing:
As a hobby, the protagonist makes fake magazine covers and videos that theretofore have not had commercial breaks. For an 80/20 split, your ads will appear in future parody videos and as cover tag lines.  For a small additional fee, protagonist will wear your logo-ed T shirt at Cannes.

Documentary  “The AOL You Forgot About" documents the ignominious start of AOL as a failed gaming platform to when ex-Pizza-Hut-manager of new pizza marketing and now, marketing consultant, Steve Case helps James V. Kimsey, ex-GI and barkeeper, found Quantum Computer Services, an online services company, from the remnants of Control Video Corporation. Case helps invent the concept of chat rooms and positions the company as the Internet on training wheels because everything else in the market, like Prodigy, CompuServe, and GEnie, is too complicated.

In October 1989, Quantum changes the service's name to America Online. Everyone in the nation is happy for about 20 minutes. AOL starts its long legacy of pissing off the world by sending everyone on the planet 14 copies of system discs they never ask for. They fall out of magazines, they turn up in cereal boxes. They are more insidious than black plague fleas. Only larger and shinier and less eco-friendly.

Bonus Marketing Shiny Thing: When your commercial runs in one of AOL's new videos, ad impressions will be counted by exclamations of "How in the hell are they still around?"

I thought we'd close with fireworks over the rink that outline the profile of The Donald. Book early — this is certain to sell out.

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