SOMEONE'S IN THE KITCHEN WITH A REMOTE CONTROL - Frrrrrrp! Was that a rip in the space/time continuum? Well, yes, but it was also the sound of Paul Woolmington ripping a dollar bill from his wallet during lunch. This was followed by an uncomfortable pause and one of Woolmington's trademark knowing looks.

BEFORE FRASIER LEAVES THE BUILDING - Tonight's series finale of "Frasier" may have been overshadowed by the hype surrounding last week's final episode of Thursday night bunkmate "Friends," but nearly as many TV viewers plan to tune it in. According to a survey of 1,000 online Americans conducted during the past 24 hours by InsightExpress, more than 40 million people plan to watch "Frasier" tonight.

SQAD ASSEMBLES AN INTRIGUING NETCOSTS' SQUAD - We've known for some time that the new NetCosts database developed by advertising cost researcher SQAD had the promise of altering the advertising business - well, at least the network TV marketplace - as we know it, but the SQAD squad has assembled an intriguing team to unveil the new service. In addition to SQAD chief Neil Klar and NetCosts developer Larry Fried, speakers participating in the May 26 announcement will include Lou Schultz, former CEO of Initiative Media; Leslie Wood, the grand dam of everything from reach and frequency to marketing mix …

IT MAY BE THE END OF THE WORLD AS WE KNOW IT, BUT JUST THINK OF THE AUDIENCE SHARES -- Normally, television networks at least attempt to strike an upbeat pose heading into the upfront television sales season, but one major cable network Monday conceded "the future remains uncertain." And it's not just the immediate future of the 2004-05 season that's got this channel concerned, but the outlook for decades beyond.

FORD'S VIRAL MARKETING CAMPAIGN THAT'S NOT UP TO SNUFF (ACTUALLY, IF YOU THINK ABOUT, IT ACTUALLY IT IS) - The Riff's seen some pretty disturbing videos come through its inbox over the past year - cats caught in ceiling fans, pigeons fragmented by major league baseball pitchers in mid-flight - but a new viral marketing effort purported to have been created by Ford agency Ogilvy & Mather tops them all. What makes this video so chilling, is that unlike other videos that supposedly show freak harrowing, occurrences of animal traumas, this one was concocted for the purposes of marketing a …

AS IT TURNS OUT, THE BIG PICTURE IN MASS MEDIA MAY ACTUALLY BE MICRO - Imagine how odd the Riff felt when we found ourselves pitching a PR guy on a story. Odder still, was the fact that we were pumping him for the inside dope on his new news publishing enterprise, one that in some ways, might compete with the Riff and news outlets of our ilk.

WHAT A TANGLED WEB MLB WEAVES: - Funny how times change. Thirty years ago, Earl Weaver and Carl Yastrzemski were thrown out of the ballgame if they kicked dirt onto a base.

MAN BITES BULL - In what media analysts are touting as the biggest newspaper war the city has seen since the Golden Age of the 40s, 50s and 60s, a far- flung array of publishing interests have plans to launch upwards of a dozen new metropolitan dailies in the Big Apple. Like Tribune Co.

WHAT DO AL GORE AND RUPERT MURDOCH HAVE IN COMMON? READ HERE TO FIND OUT - Young viewers - particularly the 18- to 34-year-old set - have been bedeviling TV programmers and Nielsen media researchers lately, but Al Gore thinks he knows what they want. It's not video games, or even porn.

NUDG: What Really HappenedBy Bob Liodice I appreciate the perspective MediaPost's Real Media Riffs had to share