My absolute favorite thing about Celeb Staff magazine is that it exists. My second favorite? That it's not a joke. If you are unfamiliar with the title -- which I imagine most of us are -- this is an actual bi-monthly magazine addressing the domestic staffing issues of celebrities and the filthy rich. In theory, this is where Shaq goes to decide whether it's time that his staff start wearing uniforms. This is, and I am not even kidding here, where serial cell-phone-chucker Naomi Campbell can learn how not to end up dead at the hands of a disgruntled personal …

Most of us will never see an android, unless they improve time travel. Since we can't master Amtrak, I'm not hopeful. However, for sci-fi fans, there's a cheaper alternative: the cover of Southern Beauty. Nancy O'Dell of "Access Hollywood" hasn't just been airbrushed, she's been sandblasted. Is this what Southern women do? Scarlett O'Hara had her bewitching ways, while Blanche DuBois preferred indirect lighting, but neither let a high-powered industrial vaporizer near her creamy mien. And I'm doubtful any real-life Southern belle would either.

Magazines like Psychologies make me want to book a one-way ticket on the next voyage of the Queen Mary. This is the British version of a "woman's" magazine and it's a far cry from the offerings for U.S. women.

Martha Stewart is the Thomas Alva Edison of the home front. She can transform a hybrid azalea into a tasty pink-petal entrée served on a table crafted out of tiki torches and an ancient maple tree, which she felled single-handedly, after turning its sap into a billion-dollar side biz that tastes great and eliminates acne. Stewart, the head of Omnimedia, is not only an indoor whiz, though her perfectionist streak is a tad clinical, but an outdoor phenomenon. And she proves it with Outdoor Living, a special issue of Martha Stewart's Living.

Because I received such an impassioned* response to my last review, in which I waxed snotty about the conservative monthly Newsmax, I decided in the interest of fairness to focus this week on its liberal counterpart. Unfortunately, that magazine doesn't exist.

The gay market is a billion-dollar business, and Passport is smart to capitalize on it. The departments and features are usual fare, targeted to a niche audience: a gay cruise calendar, an all-gay transatlantic voyage on the QM2, a profile of a city with an emerging gay scene. The surprise was the choice: Bogota, Colombia, once dubbed "the world's kidnapping capital" by The Sydney Morning Herald. Frankly, the Bush Administration should be muy pleased: Gays not only gentrify a neighborhood, they encourage new business. Makes a nice change from ransom demands, the city's usual economic stimulus.

I have this image of Psychology Today that's stalled in the 1970s -- what seemed like a time of assertiveness training, primal screaming, and messy sexual freedom. I was reminded of the sex part when I saw the latest cover boasting ''the Big Turn On,'' complete with a head to toe nude Adam holding an innocent looking Eve in front of him; she is also naked save for a strategically placed fig leaf. Here's the first big nod to the changing sexual etiquette ( if not the booming personal grooming industries) of 2008: These people's bodies are rather hairless.

The tagline on the cover of Tango promises "smart talk about love," which gave me hope that this wouldn't be the standard "how to find a man" narrishkeit we women have become so accustomed to reading. However, the copy inside didn't come close to living up to the promise -- which may be one reason why the mag is going almost all-digital.

If you're a conservative American -- which, aside from my views on gay marriage, gun control, military spending, healthcare, the separation of church and state, waterboarding, the estate tax and a woman's right to choose, I totally am -- Newsmax is like a warm blanket. It swaddles you in images of Condi Rice (front and back cover) and warms you with steamy anti-tax rhetoric. Is Hillary's primary comeback giving you a tummy ache? Newsmax has just the cure: a top-10 list of ways the Democrats can guarantee a GOP victory in 2008. Number 1? "Make Hillary the nominee."

Like all new publications, Everywhere claims an edge. In this instance, its readers -- hold onto your sherpas -- are also contributors. The bottom-up approach, per the travel mag's CEO, who looks younger than Zach Braff, means he relies on the "limitless knowledge of travelers across the globe." Translation: he probably gets his stories gratis. This is the print version of home movies. If everyone can participate, it's everywhere I don't want to be. Isn't this what Facebook is for?