Great Job, Sir!

To: Donald Trump, next president of the United States

From: Michael Cohen, executive vice president, special counsel, The Trump Organization

Re: media/marketing strategy

July 20, 2015



First of all, congratulations on another super strong week, profile-raising-wise! You are out there saying the things only you have the courage to say. Going to Iowa and letting the Family Leadership Conference reflect on the outrageous amount of pussy you’ve enjoyed was utterly unexpected. It was particularly counterintuitive to stand before an Evangelical audience and dismiss the notion of seeking God’s forgiveness for your supposed moral trespasses. And the “eating the little crackers” description of Holy Communion! This firmly established you as the first presidential candidate in modern history to ridicule religion to Iowans.

I wonder, though, if we’re not possibly getting off track a bit strategically. 



You recall we went over the list of issues that our base cares deeply about. High on that list was losing the white Christian country they grew up in to hordes of highly suspicious Spanish speakers hell-bent on stealing their jobs, raping their women and putting chimichangas on the menu at Ruby Tuesday’s.

Well, you crushed it there. You clearly internalized our discussions about “dog whistles” -- the code words that real Americans understand but can’t be entered as evidence in the court of political correctness. “Illegal immigrant” obviously means “immigrant.” In fact, it means everyone including third-generation American citizens and Supreme Court justices defiling our culture and racial purity, often by sneakily working long hours for minimum wage.

By talking about the rapist “illegal” immigrants, you very subtly and deftly struck a nerve with your constituency of angry, aging, xenophobic, poorly educated, Bible-thumping white males who just want somebody to speak truth. Like Jesse Ventura or Glenn Beck or Sarah Palin, but famous from prime-time network TV, not cable channel 631. And the beauty part is that the struck nerve also triggers spasms of anger about the blacks, the gays and the uppity non-fashion-model women who have emasculated us before the world. So, way to stay on message there!

Naturally I looked forward to the rest of the high-emotion topics we discussed: tax-and-spend Democrats, gun confiscation, Caitlin Jenner, quinoa, NPR and those repulsive Greek freeloaders. (Yes, to answer your incisive question, you can talk about the Greeks as much as you wish, knowing that your audience will blow aneurisms about our own swarthy domestic welfare addicts). So much red meat there, as they say. I must remark, so naïve and narrow am I in the face of your unerring political instincts, when we spoke about the new week’s talking points, I entirely did not pick up on the McCain thing.

I suppose I wasn’t paying close enough attention when you said to me, “Mike, watch me burnish my diplomacy and national-security credentials simultaneously -- while also eliminating a major primary opponent.” Donald, I stupidly assumed you referred to someone actually seeking the current nomination, not the 2008 one. Also, in a country that worships its military nearly as much as Big Macs and the NFL, it didn’t seem to me the most obvious thing to (bravely, of course) take on those obnoxious grandstanding ex-P.O.W.s.

But as I say, you never fail to surprise me. By calling out McCain for his cowardly getting shot down over Vietnam and being held 5-½ years in sadistic captivity, you won another news cycle. Big time. It’s entirely possible that the denunciations from even the most unhinged primary opponents, and the drone strike the Republican Nation Committee tried to order, will just establish you as the celebrity among mere apprentices.

But let’s just savor this one, okay? Let’s hold off on the “Jew York City” stuff till at least the fall. Likewise the cage match with Caitlin Jenner. (Or did I misinterpret “Yeah, I’d totally hit that shit.”)

Thanks, Donald. As you say, you are indeed a genius.

Two more small agenda items: The wind is becoming a problem. Please double down on the scalp Velcro. Also, for the Tourette…the Concerta isn’t working. You might consider adding the Haldol.

8 comments about "Great Job, Sir!".
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  1. Jeff Sawyer from GH, July 20, 2015 at 2:04 p.m.

    Is this more or less what Frank Luntz does? 

  2. Cari Shane from sasse agency, July 20, 2015 at 2:15 p.m.

    This is BRILLIANT and brilliantly funny! Mazel Tov!!

  3. Lisa Kowalski from iostudio, July 20, 2015 at 2:28 p.m.

    You have brough journalism to a new low Your vulgarity mitigates any salient points you have to offer. No this is not generational. This is inexcuable and your editor should be called out for allowing this to print.

  4. Dean Fox from ScreenTwo LLC, July 20, 2015 at 2:34 p.m.

    Hilarious, Bob!  His Highness, King Trump has certainly transformed this long, dreary slog to the 2016 nominations into an entertaining, if low-brow circus, and exposed the rest of the GOP wannabes for the third-rate junior varsity players they are.

    Personally, this is so much fun, I can't rule out supporting Mr. Trump. He doesn't need my money, and all he really wants is an audience.  Just imagine how he would transform the White House into his personal royal court.  If democracy isn't working for so many of us, maybe electing an absolute ruler and putting an end to the electoral process would be more comforting.

  5. David Vawter from Doe-Anderson, July 20, 2015 at 4:59 p.m.

    Looking forward to the "equal time" column that really digs into the 55,000 "missing" emails that aren't missing because I deleted them because that was totally OK even though it was in direct violation of federal law and they were all about yoga and baby booties anyway and oh look a unicorn."

  6. Marla Goldstein from Around The Bend Media, July 20, 2015 at 5:46 p.m.

    Trump must be scaring the pants off the Republican establishment because, as he put it, 'I'm really, really rich.' IOW, beholden to no one.  He doesn't need the PACs, the funders, the bundlers and can go off and say whatever he wants to say without any fears of offending anyone with any money.  He doesn't need their money; he has plenty of his own.  I'd lay off the 'Jew York City' stuff though.  His precious daughter, Ivanka, is a convert to Judaism.  The Donald has many flaws, but I don't think we can count anti-semitism among them.

  7. Gary Gray from DreamSwitch, LLC, July 21, 2015 at 4:48 a.m.

    Bob Garfield, your editorial sounds like it was written by an eigth grader taunting a schoolmate. Trump is at least a 10th grader by comparrison. Yeah we get your political leanings loud and clear, stick to media reporting, at least you have some credibility in that arena

  8. Linda Moskal from WNPV Radio, July 21, 2015 at 4:56 p.m.

    Uh-hoh, Bob, you've poked the beehive!  Beware!  They're nasty when you stir them up!

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