• by George Simpson , Featured Contributor, December 10, 2004

Warning: Satire Ahead!

Declaring it a historic landmark in the advertising industry, officials today announced that the United States Strategic Advertising Reserve has been topped off with the last of nearly 700 million pop-ups, second covers, 30-second spots, and transit ads. The reserve provides a buffer should the United States suffer a sudden loss of creativity as happened during the last five Burger King campaigns.

American taxpayers have invested about $20 billion to build and stock this reserve and three others in hidden places since it was created in response to a Toys 'R Us commercial where a little girl runs around the store yelling "I pooped on the potty" (so her mom would buy her a toy as a reward).

"We live in a dangerous world," says Robert D. Liodice, president and chief executive officer of the Association of National Advertisers Inc. "America used to be the big dog on the block. Now foreigners from Tokyo, Hamburg, Toronto, Copenhagen, Auckland, and Berlin eat our lunch at the Clios and Cannes. Christ, even an agency from Kuala Lumpur, won a Bronze Clio and nobody can even find it on the map!"

"We simply aren't playing on a level field," declared AAAA President O. Burtch Drake. "Why, the other day I saw an Eastern European agency presentation and they said right in their PowerPoint that they had 'clear' objectives for their clients. Thanks to Barry, Jason, and Marion we all know what that means. Can you really respect a lion won by a copywriter who says she learned her craft in the East German army weight room?"

Fearing a creative "gap," the ANA has collected a vast reservoir of creative units that can be deployed on short notice should overseas agencies continue to outperform their American counterparts. "The Brits hit us with the Honda Cog and the Chileans fired Cristal Beer right across our bow," said Mr. Liodice. "If this continues we will reach (editor's warning: stand back, here it comes again) the tipping point where we will have no choice but to dip into our reserves and retaliate."

Kipp Cheng, vice president, director of public affairs for the 4As has assembled an array of satellite images purporting to show buildings where Iran and North Korea are preparing WMP (weapons of mass persuasion). "Working with Nielsen Media Research and the CIA, we have been able to intercept crudely designed commercials that are pulling response rates many times in excess of international accords on ad limitations," Mr. Cheng said. "We cannot afford to let America become a second-rate creative power."

The League of Arab Agencies has said that should the United States release ideas from the Strategic Advertising Reserve, they would be forced to cut back on vacation time in order to increase production and protect the prevailing global CPM rate structure. "We cannot let the Americas undercut the market. They already caved on the 15 percent commission."

"All this reel-rattling is getting out of hand," says Frank Cuttita, chief executive officer of the International Advertising Association. "I think the Americans are afraid that overseas agencies have longer grease pencils or something. I haven't seen this much testosterone since Nike hired Wieden + Kennedy."

In a gesture meant to ease international tensions, the 4As has offered to move Advertising Week to Paris next year.

"In Fraunz we do not poot ze Michelin mahn on hour sidewahkas," said a spokeshomme for the French Association of Advertising Agencies. "We will see zee Americans at Cannes."