• by George Simpson , Featured Contributor, August 7, 2006

The World Federation of Advertising Guys Who Get Their Pictures Taken Holding Drinks in Tropical Locales (WFASPIX) has stripped a Cannes Lions Grand Prix award from Brian Beletic, the creative director/2nd unit at droga5, after a carbon isotope ratio test on his urine revealed a higher than normal rate of testosterone. How and why WFASPIX collected a urine sample from Beletic, who has been on vacation in his native Kazakstan since winning the award the last week in June, remains a mystery.

"We cannot allow the advertising community to fall victim to the same drug abuse scandals that have brought low the Tour de France, track & field and baseball," says one of those guys who turns up at every event wearing the same stupid linen jacket and you wonder when he ever gets any work done. A WFASPIX spokesperson confirmed that "out of long-standing tradition and respect for individual privacy" the organization does NOT test for vodka, cocaine, Valium, scotch, marijuana, Ecstasy, Oxycontin, bourbon, hash, speed, or Viagra, only testosterone and the steroid, THG.

Speaking from his vacation cottage in Druzhba, Mr. Beletic--who helped droga5 win the Grand Prix for online with the STILL FREE viral video for Ecko/Marc Ecko Enterprises, depicting graffiti artists breaking into Andrews Air Force Base and tagging Air Force One with "Stillfree"--said, "You know, I have a lot of natural energy, so the test was just a reflection of how jazzed up I get when I 2nd-unit creative-direct. Either that, or maybe somebody slipped me a mickey."

The WFASPIX test, which differentiates between natural and synthetic testosterone, was done after Beletic's ratio of testosterone to epitestosterone was found to be more than twice what is allowed under the Art Director's Club of New York's membership bylaws. Epitestosterone-related bylaws are found buried below "No writing your name in the potty stalls," but above the edict that "members must genuflect when saying Jay Chiat's name."

When asked what possible advantage synthetic testosterone would provide to a creative director/2nd unit, another one of those WFASPIX guys with the red checks and perpetual smile said, "The last thing we need is 2nd unit creative directors running about with more chest hair or a longer pecker than the creative directors. Can you imagine? What if the models blew off the top guys because they picked up some pheromones from this other guy's phony testosterone. Christ, there'd be hell to pay on the set."

Asked if WFASPIX has the authority to strip away a Cannes Lions, a very pleasant, but not very bright, PR man from The International Advertising Festival told "Over the Line," "Well not really, but if these guys don't come to Cannes, we gots no party, so we're stayin' out of this one, boy-o."

David Droga, droga5's Interactive Creative Director said, "I like Brian Beletic, even though he's grown six inches in a year and now sounds like Barry White when he talks. His work is great and everyone in the office loves him--especially the girls."