• by George Simpson , Featured Contributor, July 6, 2007

In a transparent and admittedly desperate attempt to get advertisers to pay for viewers who fast-forward commercials captured on digital video recorders, NBC paid some outfit to hook up test-viewers to sensors that recorded changes in heart rate, palm sweat, eye movement and breathing patterns as they watched television and fast-forwarded advertisements. The forehead-smacking, self-fulfilling conclusion? That viewers are just as "engaged" with zapped ads as they are viewing opening scenes from the NBC show "Heroes" at regular speed.

Now, this is either a profoundly sad commentary on the opening scenes from "Heroes" or some of the most idiotic research ever bought, er, commissioned. As Jason Maltby, director for national broadcast at MindShare North America told the New York Times: "You've created a message that in theory requires 15 seconds or 30 seconds to get that selling message across. On a high-speed DVR, 30 seconds gets pushed down to 1.5 seconds with no audio. It just wouldn't work."

Not content to charge advertisers more money each year for smaller audiences of increasingly worse programming, it looks like the nets are ready to make whatever claims are necessary to wring more out of advertisers than just upfront money. Why stop with fast-forward "engagement"?

NBC Announces Viewers Engage With Programs and Sex At Same Levels: Researchers found that people having sex have similar heart rate, palm sweat, eye movement and breathing patterns as those watching "The Office." However, they weren't certain that the heart rates and breathing were not affected by wives and girlfriends smacking their partners with a spatula for watching TV during intercourse.

NBC Announces Viewers Engage With Programs and Driving At Same Levels: Researchers found that people driving in heavy traffic have similar heart rate, palm sweat, eye movement and breathing patterns as those watching "Law & Order: Special Victims Unit." However, they weren't certain that the palm sweat, eye movement and heart rate were not influenced by the Emergency Medical Services' use of the jaws-of-life to pry open those crushed passenger doors.

NBC Announces Viewers Engage With Programs and Myocardial Infarction At Same Levels: Researchers found that people having a massive coronary have similar heart rate, palm sweat, eye movement and breathing patterns as those watching "Late Night With Conan O'Brien." However, they confessed that indigestion caused by Conan's opening monologue can produce similar symptoms.

NBC Announces Viewers Engage With Programs and Crack At Same Levels: Researchers found that people smoking crack have similar heart rate, palm sweat, eye movement and breathing patterns as those watching "My Name Is Earl." But only when Jaime Pressley bends over in her perpetually low-cut blouse.

NBC Announces Viewers Engage With Programs and Airport Security At Same Levels: Researchers found that people passing through airport security and uncertain if the hand lotion in their carry-on is 3 oz. or 4.1 oz. have similar heart rate, palm sweat, eye movement and breathing patterns as those watching "Friday Night Lights." But only when Minka Kelly bends over in her perpetually low-cut halter.

NBC Announces Viewers Engage With Programs and Funerals At Same Levels: Researchers found that people grieving at graveside for their loved ones have similar heart rate, palm sweat, eye movement and breathing patterns as those watching "The Apprentice." It appears that loss of life provokes the same feelings as loss of dignity.

The story you have just read is an attempt to blend fact and fiction in a manner that provokes thought, and on a good day, merriment. It would be ill-advised to take any of it literally. Take it, rather, with the same humor with which it is intended. Cut and paste or link to it at your own peril.