• by Jack Feuer , November 8, 2007

Who knew it was so much fun to work at Dentsu? Now that's my kind of an advertising story: Hookers and hot tempers, accusations of discrimination, lawsuits, charges and counter-charges. Total bliss.

And just in time too, because this week the fabulous Julie Roehm epic died with a whimper. And, my media industry brothers and sisters, I desperately need these salacious distractions. Otherwise, I'd get a sawed-off and a leather longcoat, catch the redeye to Gotham, break down your office doors and bust some well-earned caps in your weak-assed knees.

Why? Because this week, again, you're all buzzing about the Zuckster and his little Facebook operation. Even Adweek was roused out of its stupor to report on the latest Internet tycoon tyke's attempt to horn in on the ad business and wonder if Facebook can "walk the line of getting brands close to its users without scaring them."

The answer, of course, is no. And by the way, the fear you're smelling is your own. Users aren't afraid of your insidious attempts to get inside their heads, follow them around--all that jazz.

They just hate you for it.

Here we go, down the goddamn rabbit hole into Wonderland one more time.

Look, for the nth time, you cannot brand on the Internet unless you are the Internet. Intel can do it. Pimple cream or television shows cannot.

What's more, Web data lies. The databases you build based on where we surf and what sites we frequent implies that we're surfing and lurking because we like what we find or click on. Not true. We're bored. Or not working at work.

Going online is the 21st-century version of being a couch potato in front of your old analog TV. It's what we do when we don't have anything else to do.

You don't understand that. So most of your online ads are wasted. And that's a lot of garbage.

Orbitzgames.com has this baseball game I play every day. There are ads winking at me all over the page. Can't remember a single one of 'em. Never booked a trip on Orbitz.com, either.

Those preference lists Netflix.com compiles for me? Incomprehensible. They recommend a series of Japanese martial arts films for me starring something called Lone Wolf and Cub. You know why? Because, they tell me, I liked Stalag 17.

What?

And don't even get me started on Amazon.com. They try to sell me watches because I read science fiction.

We use the Internet like a library, or an information service, or to peruse a catalog and place an order. Still. Like we always have and always will.

Will you please stop this madness of trying to figure out what kind of an ad medium the Internet is going to be? It's not an ad medium.

Now excuse me, I'm going back online to read about ad guys going to brothels in Prague and prosties in Mexico. And maybe download a job application form from the Dentsu Web site.