• by Jack Feuer , May 7, 2008

The hero of "Cracker," one of my all-time favorite BBC shows, is a fat, drunken, foul-mouthed, philandering, bitter, borderline nuts criminal psychologist named Eddie Fitzgerald. In other words, he's me if I talked funny and was a shrink.

In one of my favorite episodes, Fitz is investigating a murder in a church, and he's interviewing the reverend. Or friar. Or inquisitor. Or whatever Anglicans call their version of a priest. You all look alike to me.

Anyway, they get into a big argument about the existence of God. The scene ends when the exasperated padre or whatever asks: "Have you never called out to God, Mr. Fitzgerald?"

"All the time, Father," answers Fitz. "But I can never quite catch him in."

That's the way I feel about mobile marketing in America. Europe and Asia may be overrun with thumb tribes, but so far, our pointy-headed heartland has failed to pick up on the idea of ads over the phone. I have my doubts about whether it ever will.

Even the research is qualified. Nielsen did a study in March about mobile ad recall. The first sentence says "consumers are gradually warming to mobile advertising." Gradually? There's a ringing endorsement.

Last month, betanews.com ran a story headlined "Analysts differ: is the mobile phone market up or down?" and noted that 83% of U.S. consumers have no plans to ditch their landline phones just yet, thank you very much.

Look--if you don't know if the trend is up or down, there's no trend, folks.

Yes, I've seen studies that found about half of mobile users opt for more info from mobile ads, and one in five or so are moderately interested in the concept if it will lower their bill. What I haven't seen is anybody actually, you know, doing any of that.

So I turned for a reality check to my very own embedded digital native, a.k.a. my son, a.k.a. the Punishment From God.TM

The PFGTM went on a long rant about how the young just want to talk, text, and share videos of street fights, car crashes, girls kissing girls and other important things. They don't need to know from advertising. And I've never heard of a Millennial complaining about the cost of the cell phone, ever. Even the ones that pay for their own phones.

U.S. youth, apparently, has no urgent need to play games or watch "The Daily Show" on mobile phones. They couldn't care less that Finns can buy a soda by pointing their Nokias at a vending machine, or that Koreans can send virtual gifts to each other via their Motorolas. (And that's commerce, not communications, anyway.) Ditto for U.S. parents, except for the the ones who write for Wired or work for mobile marketing companies.

Maybe mobile marketing has just been over-hyped in this market. Maybe it's the 21st-century version of interactive TV. Maybe it will never catch on in our country, and we'll have to fly to China to get good thumb play.

In the meantime, you'll have to excuse me--I need to call God. The PFGTM is asking for money again, and I think it's time for some divine intervention.