• by George Simpson , Featured Contributor, February 6, 2009

"Over the past decade, we have built a country-sized economy online where the default price is zero -- nothing, nada, zip," writes Chris Anderson, editor in chief of Wired magazine, and the author of the upcoming "Free," which one presumes will not mean that you are encouraged to do an Abbie Hoffman and "Steal This Book." But the gravy train is coming to an end as sites come to realize they'll never attract enough advertising to pay their bills (although who knows, you could always get overpaid by AOL in an acquisition).  Even the try-the-trial-version-and-upgrade-to the-pricier-more-full-featured-version could be an endangered species.

Already there is talk that the New York Times will (again) start to charge for access to some if not all of its online content. Which would mean two things. Thousands will drop their dead tree subscriptions since it will be like paying twice (and we're tired of the snow plow burying our paper). Many more thousands will simply delete the Times from their bookmarks and favorites lists, knowing full well that they can find stories on the same subjects on dozens of other sites. And trust me when I tell you someone will start a file-sharing service specializing in news stories, including those of the New York Times.

Sooner or clearly later, newspapers will realize that in order to keep subscribers, they will have to produce customized papers instead of serving up the historical trust-us-we-know-better-than-you-what's-news version where one size has to fit all. While publishers crap in their chapter 11 shorts mulling over how to produce half a million online editions, I contend they only have to come up with a few dozen versions, since audiences in circ areas tend to be kinda like their neighbors. Here are some examples:

The Teen Male Edition: Page one: music downloads and links to a collection of the newest stupid human trick videos. Page two: local sports news, video game cheats and links to the top-10 best free porn sites. Page three: links to the raunchiest remarks and photos to be posted to Facebook in the past 24 hours by anyone from the three local high schools. Page four: a column of essential living tips: which local stores carefully check IDs on beer buys and which don't; where the speed traps are on most days; who has the best pot and prescription pain-killers at the best price (start an exchange and get in on the action); what to do between the time the condom breaks and she has her next period; cheapest, nearest gas. Page five: digest of top international and national news (no story longer than 100 words) ranked by subject most likely to be discussed in today's civics/history class.

The Suburban Mom Edition: Page one: chat rooms (limited to other suburban moms from the same town): Who's Getting Divorced; Whose Husband is Sleeping Around; Whose House is Facing Foreclosure; Best Retail Sales Today; Why I Should Have Never Married That Asshole. Page two: links to vendors like landscapers, pool cleaners, dog walkers, caterers who employ the hottest male employees, and Top Best-Sellers That Appear to Be Literary But Have Lots of Graphic Sex. Page three: local news and gossip. Page four: enough national and international news digests to sound informed without having to really think too much about the underlying issues. Page five: directions (even to stuff they've been to 20 times.)

The Executive Edition: Page one: sports and biz news. Page two: classifieds from MILFs who live in town and really mean it. And, links to the top-10 best free porn sites. Page three: chat rooms limited to other men in the area: How To Talk to My Teenager Without Giving In to Urge to Punch Him/Her Out; Who's Your Lawyer?; Whatever Happened to Oral Sex?; Cheapest Car Repair, Tuition, Plumber, Electrician, Builder, Therapist; Covering Your Tracks - A Beginner's Journey. Page four: links to best deals on tools, electronics, wine. Page five: local, national and international news digests just enough to drunkenly comment at dinner parties without others thinking "What a blowhard moron!" Page six: high-res nipple-slip photos from events in 5 mile radius.

Online Industry Edition: Page one: profiles of venture capitalists still willing to invest in crackpot ideas, advice on how to get invited to speak at industry shows so you don't have to pay to go. Page two: chat rooms: PowerPoints That Actually Changed Someone's Mind; Make Me an Offer: The Ethics of Hiring on Looks Alone; The Ethics of Sleeping with That Person; Are You Hiring? What Others Really Think of Your Business Plan; Fast Exit Strategies. Page three: industry news with just enough jargon for you to impress the next person you meet on a plane; sublet classifieds; resume exchange. Page four: digests of books like Anderson's so you don't have to actually read them to sound informed. Page five: Brief bios of industry leaders so you can say, "Yeah I know him," when a name is dropped.

 

 The story you have just read is an attempt to blend fact and fiction in a manner that provokes thought, and on a good day, merriment. It would be ill-advised to take any of it literally. Take it, rather, with the same humor with which it is intended. Cut and paste or link to it at your own peril.