• by George Simpson , Featured Contributor, January 14, 2010

I was at the CES show last week (not really, but in a crowd of 110,000 who can say for sure?). And like everyone else I was pretty amazed by what utterly useless new electronics the techno-entertianmo-telecomo-industrial complex will try to sell us in the coming year. Here are some of my favorites.

3-D iPhones: Now when you watch downloaded porn videos on the train home, the action can take place on top of your shoulder bag instead of in the usual clandestine side pocket. Although I realize it is not generally your highest priority, in difference to the woman sitting across from you, please make certain the male partner is reasonably attractive.

Web Enabled GPS Spare Tires: You know that when your kid comes home smelling like he did the alligator on the floor of some combination of a barroom and a women's restroom, that he most probably was not at the library as claimed, but you can't prove it. Kids are tech savvy enough to turn off all other GPS equipment to hide their nocturnal movements, but in a national poll, 99.6 % could not say for sure where the spare tire on their car was. With a mouse click you can see that your car was either stolen a short while ago or that your kid is 25 miles away from the nearest Dewey Decimal system.

Flatscreen Phones: With the inevitable convergence of online video chat and LCD technology you can now see your distant loved one in 52 inch 1080 line resolution leading to questions such as "Is that a tattoo or a giant water bug on your thigh?"; "Who is that in your bed at 1 o'clock in the afternoon?" and "Tell your roommate to put some shorts on when I call you."

XBox Really Live: While countess millions have thrilled to the simulated battle action of video war games, the newest advancements in particle technology enable the enemy to return fire with real bullets and RPGs. Players will need to take cover behind the couch as their formerly demasculinized foes takes revenge for being casually dismembered and eviscerated by 13 years old who slaughtered them by the thousands using cheats and safely settings that kept them from harm. Caution. You can only loose once. There is no second level. Call for a medic as soon as the game begins.

Universal Ad Tag: In an unusual restraint-of-trade compromise to raise CPM rates, the online industry has collaborated on a cookie that needs to be set only once on each computer, can never be erased or altered and sends marketers a continuous stream of information about whoever is sitting at the key board including: name, address, sexual preference, known mental and physical conditions, bra size, brand preferences for 10,000 products going back 5 years, blood type, media habits broken down by minutes each day, favorite food, and inner most secrets. The industry has signed a joint agreement to use such information only to provide more "relevant" ads.

Smart Ass Phone: A combination cell phone and mood ring that intercepts calls and tells callers what you really think of their concerns, conversations and pitches. Ushering in a "new era of transparency" it will no longer be necessary to pretend "No, that's OK, it is as good a time as any..." because prerecorded celebrity voices will have already responded according to your temperament using sensors that read 23 different body functions. So, rather than hear your voice, your caller might hear Clint Eastwood saying, "You might want to call somebody who gives a shit. Hang up or in 5 seconds you'll make my day." Keypad changes colors to reflect current mood.